But It’s Not Safe…I Trust My Body.

autoimmune chronic illness immune system spiritual trust Mar 27, 2023

What a fucking weekend.


My body has had so many feelings lol.


I’ve been having severe reactions to the IGG replacement I do each week for CVID (common variable immunodeficiency).


This diagnosis was discovered after sepsis 7 years ago and I have been on infusions since. My B cells don’t work properly and the proteins that make up the immune system are incredibly low in my system.


Why? Supposedly a genetic mutation that occurred later in life. It’s genetic but not necessarily hereditary. That being said, it is a “primary” immunodeficiency, which means it’s held within genetic material and has been in my body since birth.


It’s fascinating to consider this from a spiritual perspective. I know there’s a deep purpose for my family line. I know there’s a deep purpose for my own path.


But I don’t have to “know” why this has presented in this lifetime. I just need to trust. And I’m now being asked to trust again, by my intuition and listening to my body.


I’m stopping infusions, which I’ve been told I have to be on for life to be “safe.” Sepsis almost killed me. It also changed my life. It opened my eyes to all of the goodness existing underneath my shell.


It changed my lifestyle, choices, and boundaries. It invited me into deep self-love, intimacy, and surrender of control.


As is the natural state of surrender, I keep getting invited into more, in many areas of my life. It feels scary but so steady. So centered and so right.


But that “supposedly” opens me to “dangerous” infection. I choose not live in fear and I will keep reminding myself of that as fears arise.


I have the choice to take prednisone before each infusion to make this work. I refuse. I’ve seen what my body can do. And I know for damn sure what prednisone does to my natural state.


So do I allow my body to be whittled down over time or take the chance right now to be exposed to things my body “can’t fight?” I choose to TRUST.


I trust God. I trust my gut. My gut has told me for 2 months I don’t wanna do this shit anymore. A month ago we fought for days upon days, turning into weeks upon weeks, for insurance approval for my infusions. I’ve never had to do that in 7 years, and I do NOT desire to put my precious energy toward that shit when my gut is saying no.


It’s not an “I give up and don’t wanna deal.” It’s a “This is just no longer important to me.” It doesn’t make logical sense but I KNOW. I know I’m done, at least for a long while.


And I’m choosing to trust God, my body, and wherever this path is meant to lead. I am a passionate, vibrant, spunky soul, and that has been recently dimmed by this BS. Fuck that. I wanna live my life, for as long as I’m meant to.


I want adventure and play and lightness of being. Closing this chapter leaves me with immense freedom and occasional waves of fear. It leaves me with confidence in myself and pride in my trust in my body and the universe.


I believe in infinite possibility. I believe in a divine plan. I believe that, if I’m meant to return to infusions, God will guide me there. Nothing is permanent. We are ever-changing and I will always be open to magic and miracles.


One thing I am not open to is dulling who I am. I am not open to living as a shell of myself. Never again. So I rest in the arms of the universe and sink into deep reverence of my strength and resolve. Of my bravery and perseverance. And of my sovereign ability to say NO MORE.


I am here to PARTY and goddammit I AM!!!


I. AM.


Thank you for reading.


From my heart to yours,


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